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The last flight! The first beginnings!

16 Mar

A couple of days ago, I happened to chance upon a butterfly inside our home late in the evening. It was nothing spectacular or lavishly colourful, but a normal brown coloured one.

Butterflies aren’t a common sight very late in the evening. As it is, I was a little surprised to notice one. Like they always do, this one too was fluttering about carelessly pausing momentarily at places where it wished to. A couple of minutes later it did this wonderful flitting in a zig zag pattern and in an instant stopped and fell. Before I could notice and go near it, it was dead, its dance put to an end.

At that moment it struck me, why not live our lives like this, like this butterfly? Keep the dance going till the very end instead of turning sour and grumpy? By the dance, I do not mean or say it in the literal sense, but the dance inside us, the energy inside us, that can last till we breathe our very last. At certain moments we feel this sudden burst of energy, the spirit that keeps us on and up for a few moments; we need to make “this” last and that will make life worth while, not for ourselves alone, but for people around us too.

Once our part is played, nothing remains except a few memories of us with our cherished ones. And when that is all that remains, we need to be definitely sure that its worth its weight in gold, that they are beautiful memories. They will remain as souvenirs, which will be reminisced by the ones whom we love.

The last flight of the butterfly has been the first beginnings for me to understand life differently!

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Image Courtesy: Chandan Karkera

If you’re reading this, you are lucky!

14 Mar

I’m a lucky guy! So are you if you’re reading this!

Economic recession? Wallet’s tight? Putting in those extra hours for that extra “bling”? Higher interest rates? Boss putting an insane amount of pressure on your head? Feel like you have nothing left? You’re done?

Well if you’re reading this, then none of the above are actually an existential crisis for you. You reading this means – you have a computer/ laptop/ phone, a working Internet connection, electricity, you’ve had a meal already and positively a roof over your head. Also like me you have a lovely family, some great buddies and people who support you.

For numerous folk these are fairy tale scene. Getting a glass of fresh water to drink is a blessing for people in drought stricken regions, a morsel of clean food, a gift for a populace in the famine ravaged regions of the world. For others in war ravaged regions, home is but two stilts acting as a support for a sheet of plastic. This just puts our position in a diametrically opposite perspective where our lives are secure, warm and all fuzzy. Now, it would only seem apt to be overly satisfied with what we have and how much we have. Privilege is what we have in the face of the adversity the world is facing everyday.

In the ever growing age of desire, marketing, advertising and peer pressure, we give in to it! Everyone is after the next “IT” thing! And this we reflect sometimes on our children.

There are a couple of things I’m currently working on, one of them would be to simplify life; take out all the unnecessary, don’t let in this stuff in my life again. Appreciate all that I have material and otherwise, with latter being the more important of the two! A deeply caring and loving family I can always fall back on.

Another, to pass this on to my daughter.I’m having a growing daughter at home, making things difficult by wasting water, food etc. These are the moments forbearing on a parent. It sometimes cannot be ignored simply because the child starts throwing tantrums; it is then with utmost restraint we need to teach them, explain it to them how fortunate enough we are to have things which a vast section of mankind doesn’t know if such a thing were to exist.

There are simple things I try to appreciate; a sunrise, the early morning sounds of birds, my daughter’s calling. Simplify.

Newton said “Nature is pleased with simplicity.” But then Da Vinci comes a close second to mind, “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”

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2 Years of Daddy-ism!! (-:

24 Apr

2:47 PM, May 7th, 2010…tensed emotions…slowly the door opens, the doctor calls for the first time – “The Father” and I’m already breaking down…the nurse holds her up and the doctor says – “You have a girl…” The first thing I do holding back my emotions, I say the Almighty’s name in her ears…blessing her and feeling blessed…she is kicking about, feeling uncomfortable, losing the warmth of the embryo…Amritha! Amritha! I keep saying to myself…rush to my wife; she is still under anaesthetic effects, grip her hands…words don’t escape us, but we understand each other perfectly well; a kiss on her forehead, and the gynaecologist chases me out…spend a few very joyous moments with my brother and father…secretly we know amma has returned!! I’m rushing behind the nurse with my daughter who gives her a wash, puts a small tag on her hand with “B/O Sowmya”…my wait extends a bit longer as she carries the baby to the ward where her mother is waiting…then a moment everyone waits for…Amritha is handed over to me…it doesn’t matter if you’ve held a baby or not your entire life, at that moment you will; like a pre-programmed mechanism you will gently nurse the baby in your arms…and secretly a tear escapes me…

This entire sequence of events I have been closing my eyes and playing everyday since that wonderful day; just so that I don’t forget the amazing feeling of becoming a father…such powerful, strong emotions…even now as I blog about it…every father will know and connect to this…if I could freeze time that one moment when the doctor said – “The father”, and I see Amritha!!! These are the moments, events that make up life…give meaning to everything that you’ve put into life, a purpose to everything that you’ve put into life…

Amritha will be two years old in a short time from now; time puts forth its very fundamental lesson – “I don’t wait for anyone or anything”

I try to keep reminding myself of the times when the nappies were changed at night, of the cries, of the first times she experienced everything – of her first winter, of her first summer, of her first fall, of her first syllables, her first laughs, of her first smiles, her first steps…her first attempts at calling me “Appa” and Sowmya, “Amma”…every moment has been a magical one…Babies, children always manage to do that…with all their innocence and unconditional love, they make you feel blessed…

Now she speaks fluently, conveys things, has her perspective of things, leaves me surprised at times with the things she does and sometimes doesn’t…she’ll suddenly come running hold both my legs, hug me tight…asks me to carry her and hugs me tight and says Appa, pats me on the cheeks and smiles…sometimes there’s a wave of emotions gushing down…” so much love?”, i ask myself…there just needs to be a fraction of this love in all of us, the world will be a much better place…

There are over a thousand photos of her, a sizeable amount of video footage and a few audio clips…what is missing is an emotion recorded…where I can record mine and show them to Amritha…how lucky me and Sowmya are to have we…God bless Amritha, God bless all…

What a melodious life I’ve had!!!

9 Aug

Decades ago when i was a small child, i used to hear these strange but enthralling sounds which my mother used to say…i could not relate to what they were but was only excited and waited eagerly to hear it time and again…over a period of time the interest grew and the experience has been wonderful…music always is wonderful…it has had a life transforming experience in my case…what started as few la la la’s…turned into a lifetime of learning…there doesn’t seem to be a genre i haven’t tried and not loved…World, Folk, Rock, Pop, Trance, Hip Hop, Grunge, Industrial, Low fi, Down Tempo, House, Dance, Ambient, Reggae, Rap, Gospel, Western Classical, Hindustani Classical, Carnatic, Buddhist Chants, Hindu mantras and Shlokas, Old Hindi Melodies, Hindi Pop, Indi, Blues, Country….every possible genre that was available…although i do listen extensively to various genres of rock, trance and metal…

Music has the power to do extra ordinary things…like the Country Joe and the Fish title “I feel like i’m fixin’ to die”….looks like it had the power to stop the Vietnam massacre…whatever be the negatives of the hippie culture…the music was truly revolutionary…guess no one ever wants to forget the magic created by them…Woodstock was such a wonderful experience…i have the entire CD…moves you to the edge of your seat…makes you emotional…

Music is just like another dimension in my life, which now seems so obscure without it…it has become an integral part, a need, a necessity…the word Music seems to have divine origins…just a millions of other English words derived from foreign languages, this one’s derived from the Greek – mousike – art of muses, muses are Gods and Goddesses of Art forms…and is true and just to its meaning…it seems to be one of the modes of reaching a higher level of realization…there is no need to walk all the way to Greece to understand this…the Vedas speak at length about music…music in these are referred to as marga meaning path in English…path to self realization…

Snap snap!! My daughter loves it too!! I discovered it the day she was born; humming songs to her sometime after she was born…fell asleep…now she can dance to some tunes siting and rocking back and forth….jumping a little and its all so wonderful…

Music has stayed a constant companion through troubled times and sad, through bejeweled times and glad…playing out different parts of a symphony but not necessarily in the allegro, adagio, minuet and  a sonata….these have been sifted, mixed up and thrown about depending on the circumstances but it really did a good deal to me…and so i hope that it continues to dole out some pretty good notes for the rest of my life…

The happiest and saddest moments of my life…

27 Feb

Some situations in life are entirely glum while a multitudinous of them are happy and to be cherished…the joyous ones make your life worth while, the sorrowful ones offer you strength and valuable lessons to remember for the rest of the journey…I have been through some of the most ecstatic ones and through some very traumatic moments…

The Down in the dumps moment:

  • 13th June, 2000 – Evening at around 5:30 PM – Returned from the hospital where my mother was fighting off cancer; it was the medication that was having dreaded effects on her body…the chemotherapy had brought down the white blood cell count and resulted in septicemia…praying that this goes well, returned home and called up dad who was at the hospital, the reply – “The story of your mother is over…” CRASH! even now I don’t find words to express the moment…I guess I never will…me and my brother clung onto each other for a long time after hearing that…that i believe is the borderline for the saddest moment of my life…

Time has been a forbearing healer…the times immediately after that were like vacuum; life in its entirety had been sucked out…only one thought kept me pushing along and getting better – “My mom would have never liked to see the three of us – meaning my dad, my brother and myself – sad and depressed like this…” With this in my mind i tried to make sense of life and its complexity…am still trying to…it has been 10 years since this and when I look at old photographs I long to spend a few seconds with her…

Now the ecstatic ones…being a part of the wonderful family that I was born into, makes me ever happy…ever grateful to have a wonderful dad who I will always look up to, a warm loving brother that i can always count on…that apart there have been celebratory instances…

  • February 1, 2006 – Me: “I love you!! Will you marry me!!”, and Sowmya: “What??” and then the acceptance; my feelings leapt like a kid being given every toy in the world!! She still makes me weak in the knees!!
  • May 7, 2010 – Nervous and sweating/ pacing the corridors of the hospital like a mad man…then the doctor shows up…who’s the “Father”…impatiently I answer…”Congratulations! You have a baby girl!!”…emotions give you a kick in the gut sometimes and take control of you…this was one such moment…the instant I saw her, the happiness was immense! Bundle of joy – nothing better to describe her…”Amritha” she was…just like my mother…

Everything else in my life is just in between these two extreme ends…and forever they will be…

God bless…

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